1

New addition.

I'm not a fan of names.

I hate that I have to come up with a new little name for everything.

I can't remember anyone's name until I associate some memory with them, and it often becomes a marker of how little I share with someone if, after a time, I still have to call them buddy or boss or big dog or dude or captain and Ive circled them over and over.

Sometimes I call a person I know by the wrong name, which threatens their very being.

I'm tuned out, avoidant, humbled by my own blunt instrument.

I've never felt connected to any name attached to me by myself or anyone else.

It does not feel natural to me.

I am a cloud, an industrial accident, a pill, a well timed fondue fork.

My names are bureaucratic.

They are for documents and handbills.

And you're never a name to me either.

You're the smile I see when I feel remembered.

You're the work story I had to tell others when you weren't around (always credited, but does it matter?).

You're that bridge you wrote where you send your voice high and I was about to cry in cbgb can you imagine.

I'm sensitive.

I have a tendency to be lazy.

I don't care enough about money.

I say the wrong thing constantly, and the wrong thing is always more specific and nuanced.

I keep talking.

Sometimes the air is humid and there's so much possibility on the street and I sit there and stare.

I edit the word "just" out of everything and still write it constantly.

2

The duchess of lunch. A dungeness crab. Abduct katydid. Cathode distress.

I think these posts are formatted poorly. I'll work on it. Any pointers? I haven't even tried.

Sometimes my teeth ache like there's a cold wind. I floss daily.

I'm goin to the parade even though it's gonna make me anxious. I'm in my hometown right now. There are people gathering for 5/1 protests. I think if there's gonna be a general strike, most of the people advocating for it cant be retired.

Hey flounders, just had a great Ruben sandwich! Anybody else have a good lunch today?!?!

I see other people posting lists of movies and books. I like movies and books but I hate lists. I like yours, but I feel pressure when I start making a list of my own. For me, a list has to be ephemeral; a scrap of paper, pen to hand, repeated to myself like a mantra.

I don't know if I like to remember things. I want life to pass through me like radiation.

Does anyone else wonder about how they relate to other people? You all couldn't possibly. Its wild being in a restaurant and everyone is yelling at each other, trying to make contact. It's weird what gets weirder as I get older.

3

There's something about avocado green, burnt orange, and a goldenrod yellow that looks the same. Saturation? The 1970s? I like how the houses are painted up here. There's more color.

I don't know why I feel the need to define this. Phone writing is different. My phone, much like my mind, is small.

I feel a lot of social anxiety in the abstract, but then I get there and I'm fine. A lot of people are anxious at the function. Am I "coping ahead?" I don't think thats what Patrick meant by coping ahead.

There was the full flower moon casting on the river and the thick concrete gates holding up the highway overhead. Everyone was making fires and sitting in the dirt. There were oogles, real oogles with facetats and buttflaps. I've been worried that they're going away and we'll lose something annoying and important. The generator ran out of gas when someone plugged a drum machine in. It was cold, and a long walk to the spot. Heading back to the car, the punks behind us were freestyling: "I need a blunt and a bad bitch to pee on, they call me the Jewish anti Zionist Celine Dion."

Big mosh pots, where there's no space for all the specific hardcore moves. Just bouncing and shoving. There have been massive pyramids. NOLA is tearing this fest up. Not that it matters, but they're bringing the heat.

The world hasn't felt poetic lately. When I journal longhand I usually need to process something hard, and I regret that my journal sometimes seems like an angst catalogue and not a real record of how things are going. I don't feel called to write when I'm having a good time. Maybe that's this. Quick little hits in the moments between joy.

4

Im going to replace my ID today. This has happened so many gd times in the past few years. Feels like I'm cursed but maybe I'm just old and forgetful. I never used to lose important things. I can't say for sure. It's easy to forget. Time comes for us all.

I'm leaving on another trip again very soon. Feels a little crazy considering the cost of living crisis. But also it's good to have fun and do fun things. Buy the ticket, take the ride.

I met a train guy named patches who told me he got arrested in Madison during Floyd. Another traveler named Slim told me Patches is a legend, single handedly kept minneapolis gay in the 90s, a real freak. What an honor. Patches said I should move to Minneapolis. If any town could make me consider it... hoo boy.

It's funny to go to shows and talk. I get that it's totally normal, and that people prefer talking to publicly enjoying art, but sometimes the music is so LOUD, and so FUN, and people don't even dance or mosh. And then they all privately talk about shows being socially awkward and time passing slowly... my sister in christ, we have solved the issue. The other day I was at the Glued show. They totally sent me. I haven't stood there and soaked up a rock band like that in forever. I was so tuned in. Someone I know talked through the whole thing. I had to move away. I felt bad for them. They couldn't access the pleasure around them.

Blah blah blah fuck off diy Andy Rooney ugh.

Getting the groove out of my head and onto the sequencer is so existentially hard that idk if it's possible. It is possible, but it takes a lot of time. It's hard to pull things outta the ether and make them material.

In other news I stepped in dogshit last night. Now that's material.

There are a lot of things I want to talk about on here but I don't know how the community side of this works or if there's some means of having a conversation. I'm enjoying everyone else's posts and if anyone is reading this, you are hot.

5

Think I'm getting the hang of this.

@moldgold222 I will reveal at the Home & Office gig, but you already know who this is ;p

I just finished "With The Animals" by Noelle Revaz. It was terrible, and also pretty good. The prose was fine and the story spoke to issues with masculinity that I think are worth exploring, but the main character was an ogre and I did not enjoy living in his head. Still, it was a quick read and it had some unique diction. They used the word "squy" for sneaking a peak at something. I like that. I don't know if I would recommend it but if someone wants to live in the head of a French/Swiss cattle farmer that hates his wife, I have the book for you.

I read Dhalgren over the winter. When I was staying at a friends house this weekend, I saw he was part way through it and asked if he was enjoying it. He said he was so frustrated the Kid only wore one shoe that he couldn't pick the it back up. That's the best take I've heard about Dhalgren. I do highly recommend that book fwiw. I'll probably write more about it later. I think about it all the time.

I'm on the laptop and not the celly. Can you tell? The machine changes the writing so much. I don't know why. Even different websites make me write differently. My emails sound psychotic. Who is this man? Why is he so formal?

They're taking a big tube and sucking all the woodchips out of my attic this morning. That's what the builders used for insulation back in to 20's. It doesn't work and it's a huge fire hazard. Im dozing on the couch while they get the giant 8" vacuum hose ready to suck all this shit out, so that I can redo the electrical with a guy from my HAM Radio certification class who I'm kinda obsessed with. He has a dojo and I know his daughters and it's always so nice to become friends with someone cool who is at a different stage of life. Anyway, weird morning. People are in the house. But they're nice and professional. I offered them some coffee and one guy said "hoo boy ha ha I probably shouldn't." What happened to you man? What's the story with that?

I'm gonna go fix shoes today. I should probably get breakfast before I go. There's a cute diner by my house that I adore. Time flies when I'm cobblin. I love doing it but the idea of doing it for the rest of my life makes me want to curl up and die. But the idea of doing anything, even sitting on the couch or playing music, makes me want to curl up and die. I am grateful for life, but... something has got to be done about this. Maybe this is why people like reading philosophy. I hate reading philosophy. Fiction forever, I'm sorry. I cant stand academic writing. I wish I felt differently.

...like it's a competition. I'm insufferable and the universe punishes me accordingly. More like accordionly, pressure pressure pressure, singing, release, gasping, push pull... Also, there's something sorta inherently odd about me. If you figure it out, please tell me.

Every morning I look at the news. It makes time pass so slowly. I'm torn between wanting to know, and knowing it doesn't matter. Do you remember seeing little dirt devils on the playground, and thinking that's what a tornado was?

6

I decided I'm going to do 10 of these and then figure out a better system.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was up late chewing on my thoughts. I sleep rarely. I used to think that made me tortured and dramatic. I could stay out late and never get tired. It seemed cool. I was wrong.

@moldgold222 that's why I didn't go to the show. I hope it was fun! I was socially drained from mayday. Sleep called my name at 9pm, which never happens, and I followed the urge. I'm sure you understand <3

They are ripping the wires out of my walls. When this is done there won't be any noticeable difference. But, my house won't be a bomb. I was trying to help yesterday, but today I'm keeping to myself. The very nice fella in the attic seems to prefer quiet.

I don't have anything to say. I'm leaving on a road trip on Sunday (psycho, but exciting), I'm gonna help a friend with some music stuff tonight, I gotta get my house somewhat put back together before I take off, I gotta mow... etc. All that feels very mundane. I'm gonna try some free writing.

~~~

A day like the night, cool and still. The swan neck of streetlights, curled against the grey sky. The world is heavy with rain. The world is heavy with conflict. There was a Huey in the sky yesterday. It was massive and horrifically loud. Its body looked like a giant green metal plantain, and the propellors on either end spun viciously. It looked funny, rotund, oblong. It was not.

One time I was on mushrooms with a queen. We went for a hike in Cliff Cave park. We were briefly entangled. I didn't handle their feelings well. Their feelings seemed to run far ahead of the rest of them. I was being selfish. On the hike, we noticed people gathering, which isn't great if you're on mushrooms. A few minutes later a B-52 stealth bomber flew by, almost at eye level. It was like seeing my sleep paralysis demon.

I'm gonna go piss in my yard like a dog because I don't want to be in the way. I heaved the black juice down my throat but the belly is empty and the gut rotting. They need to make condoms for thoughts. They need to make freedom from slavery. They need to destroy Mt Rushmore, because when I see pictures of what it looked like originally, I get so mad. It was beautiful until the chud no swag herb ass colonial genocidal monsters turned it into something aggrandizing and obvious and insufferable. And then they did crazy horse sorta as an apology? An acknowledgement? Just leave the goddamn rocks alone. I see faces all day. I see a good rock maybe once a month.

I'm in a 12 step program for media addiction that takes place on zoom. I see a few of the same people at every meeting. Maybe they just like looking at the screen. Most of the group are women in their 50's who lack purpose and are addicted to phone games and social media. I really appreciate when they share their struggles. It's so sad, and it helps me do better with my own addiction.

The house across the street got raided the other day. There were two police officers, and three people in "FBI" badging but they looked like they had been feds for a couple days. The cops were in charge. Makes me wonder if the FBI is deputizing people willy nilly like ICE. Temu police state. "Well, they're helping me pay off my debt..." I don't support the troops. They arrested two women and took a third guy too. They brought the guy back after 10 minutes and he dapped up the cops when they left. All the neighbors saw and some of them heckled. My block HATES cops. This dude came by on a stolen bike with the cops chasing him and people ran interference. They eventually caught him running around someone's house. He got tazered. People filmed and booed.

The world is at once too much, and not enough.

7

Today I played "We Like To Party" by Vengabus for a baby and he lost his mind. That song is for babies and I am babies. We like to party.

It's late and I cant sleep. I'm reading a great book ("Seeing Like A State" by James C Scott) but Im distracted.

Some people don't deserve trust. It's a hard lesson to learn.

I'm nostalgic for my sleep paralysis demon. I haven't seen them in forever. At least I was sleeping, ya kno? And it was kinda cool.

This site is semi anonymous. I love reading other users posts. I wanna shout people out but I am shy and afraid I will make a mistake.

The baby woke up. He cries. He has beautiful blue eyes and long lashes. He's my dear friends son and I love him so much.

I lost access to my family group chat because I switched to android (I wanted a friction phone) and everyone else has apple. Thank god. It stressed me out. Do people really love seeing all these pics? They kinda do nothing for me. It makes me feel like a sociopath but I think there's photo fatigue. I prefer a phone call.

Writing calms me down. It's weird posting this. I'm trying to empty my mind. But also I'm not because people can read this. If I got into the nuts and bolts of my angst it wouldn't be good for anyone. Which is why we make art; to obscure the tedious.

This isnt art.

8

I got this joke that's like, "what's so original about a god damn Carmel?" but they think it sucks because no one actually calls them werthers originals. They're right but its become funny in its unfunnyness.

I just visited the district and I saw the stage for DJTs "Rededicate 250" event and it was bleaky bleak bleak. There's a national prayer event happening on the 17th. The stage has tacky fake columns. It was sub waterpark level decor. The backdrop was huge LED screens. I can't imagine what horrible schlock they're gonna play. AI faith healer videos? I wish we had a national snake church.

West Virginia is one of the most beautiful places in the country. I hadn't spent much time there before. I gotta go back for a long camping trip. We were in the Monongahela. It was the most beautiful forest I've seen in a while. Lots of waterfalls. An unprecedented concentration of moss.

I watched TV in a hotel. There were ads for "Naked and Afraid, Battle of Nations." Let's just do the hungry games. Cut to the chase.

I cannot wait to dissociate on a Detroit dancefloor at the end of this. My first MVMT. This trip is crazy. Backpacking, roller coasters, and techno. Stimulate me daddy.

I wanna live in a yert on a river with you and the dog. We wouldn't wear clothes. We'd talk on the landline. I'd finish these poems. I wouldn't think about it.

They asked me to help snap their onesie. It wasn't very sexy but it still turned me on. I'm a sucker for... a weakness to... can't resist... I have friends that wish they weren't horny. I cannot even imagine what I'd be like if I wasn't so horny. Maybe I'd care about money.

Had a nightmare last night. Woke up in a cold sweat. Stop haunting me, you nasty little goblins.

9

I've never spent this much time in Ohio. It's a weird place. Cincinnati is blessed. Skyline chili is good. No feelings about Cleveland again. Hang was great though.

I rode my first giga coaster. Orion. Unbelievably holy. I liked Diamondback better tho. Lotta zero g hills. Sweetie bought me a cool tshirt. I have become the coaster freak I always dreamed of. Took some cool Cincinnati freaks with us. Had a ball. I texted hurricane about it. He was blowing me up about coasters. It's truly the only good thing American math has ever done for me.

I hiked in North Carolina. I spoke from the heart at The Devil's Courthouse. I bathed in the river. I was warned by a rattlesnake. I was rushed by a mother grouse. Her wings were big and loud and we were frightened. We saw millipedes and big fat beetles and a special kind of firefly that glows a dim iridescent blue. We could only see it once our eyes adjusted. It looked like starlight along the river bank. I could see it better out of the corner of my eye. There should be a word for things like that.

Dolly Parton should have been president. Dollywood was Christian but not as Christian as I expected. Thunderhead is my new favorite wood coaster.

Someone on here called movement the Superbowl of doing drugs with your boyfriend. That made me laugh. I'm here with the gang in an Airbnb that is living up to the stereotype. I'm gonna be outta my mind for the next 72 hours. Im already fried.

This trip has been an avalanche of fun. Rushing from one thing to another. I'm deeply in love and grateful.

I wanna finish the album I've been working on in my head for two years. I gotta put my house back together and patch all the plaster. I want to make more time to show up for the people I trust. I want to work on my media addiction. But for now I wanna dance.

Big speaker go boom. Life is psycho and blessed.

10

Last week, I got high and stayed up for so long that I made myself neurotypical. Ive been getting tired at 1130 and waking up at 8. Who is she? I can feel it starting to wear off. I wish I had a drug journal from MVMT. Some combination of factors gave me normal serotonin for a while.

Best set I saw was from a local called Father Deux. Was a great floor and hit me just right.

I'm back in St Louis, working on the shoes and trying to figure out wtf to do with my yard. I bought a weed wacker and a lawn mower last year. I got them from a weird old man off Hampton. He tried to get me to come to his Buddhist group. The mower and weed wacker don't have safeties. They just keep spinning. I think I can handle it but the weed wacker is especially frightening. They work. They were cheap. I pulled so much wild carrot the other day. Fuck that plant. I know it comes out easy but my back yard is full of it and it's annoying.

Picked a lot of black berries. The currents are around but I don't think they're ripe. I'm gonna make some jam. I encouraged the may pops to climb the porch. They're my favorite.

I sorta need another job? Sorta. The shoe thing is shaping up into a full time gig but maybe not for a little while. Plus I'm just rotting. I may as well make some money I guess. Even though I don't want to. If anyone has shoes or bags or anything leather or leather adjacent that needs to be repaired please lmk I will fix it.

This is the last one. Gonna collapse these and then figure out how to code pretty pages like some people have.

I learned about loosh and the idea of a loosh farm. Been really sticking with me.